Almost 22 years have passed,
Since divinity graced this earth,
If I had only known back then,
What that time was truly worth.

You never asked anything of me,
Except to always do my best,
Giving me warmth with your hugs,
Reminding me how I was blessed.

I still hate how badly,
I refused to accept the truth,
It ate away at my heart,
It robbed me of my youth.

The purest love I ever knew,
No limit, no hesitation,
I hope that memory never fades,
Nor the gift of your inspiration.

I’m a lot older now,
I’m trying the best I can,
To be who you thought I could,
A good, caring man.

May I never again forget,
That I can still lean on you in strife,
May you always guide my heart,
The way that you did in life.

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Comfort becomes complacency,
When I stop choosing to grow,
When I stop facing my terrors,
Only sticking to what I know,

Complacency becomes unease,
When the days start flying free,
When the question is asked,
”Am I living out my dreams?”

Unease becomes tension,
When truth cannot be fled,
White lies form to take off the edge,
Shaping darker thoughts in my head,

Tension now creating fear,
Delusion distorts what I perceive,
Abandoning those who love me,
Distrusting what I can believe,

Fear becomes paranoia,
Vigilance during peace now learned,
Even in places once felt safe,
Where there is still longing to return.

But paranoia need not become anger,
Nor violence nor control,
All it takes is self-honesty,
”Am I doing what’s best for my soul?”

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Nature abhors a vacuum,
Voids created daily with bullets and bombs,
Souls preemptively taken from the world,
Consciousness swirls around black holes unfurled.

Lessons learned as children,
Footprints of joy and fear,
Forging what will come tomorrow,
Unspoken struggles of absence and sorrow,

Fear plants the decaying seed,
Silent ruin of hidden worlds,
Destroying ourselves within,
Slowly exposed and labeled as sin.

But the power to destroy,
Also becomes strength to rebuild,
Let us abandon self-erasure,
No more emptiness need be filled.

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New me, old thoughts,
Self-doubting narratives I wield,
Driving me to truly question,
Everything I ever believed to be real.

For one full day I’d like to hold,
The image of the life I desire,
If only to taste conviction,
In what I build from my inner fire,

Dim lights on faded signs flicker,
Dated messages on display,
Giving directions to memories,
That exist as mere illusions today.

No committee has been appointed,
To enact meaningful change,
So it must be up to me alone,
To make things a little less strange.

I grit my teeth and spit blood,
As a reminder it’s mine to bleed,
Time to sweat and toil,
Time to violently seize what I need.

With every tool at my disposal,
Boldly armed to craft my glory,
I shape my reality as I please,
Forging new chapters in my story.

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A thousand versions of me exist,
Within minds I cannot see,
I could never hope to predict,
What they truly think of me.

O my former love for liquor,
Whiskey, vodka, wine,
Liquid confidence deceiving no one,
Whenever I claimed to feel fine.

Perhaps my moments of weakness,
Where I was not at my best,
Measured, judged, outcast by others,
Deemed forever worthy to detest.

If only I let feelings flow free,
If only I acted with intent,
If only I spoke truer words,
I wouldn’t regret time poorly spent.

But suddenly smiling faces,
Greet me wherever I arrive,
Does that mean I’ve slain all demons,
That kept me a prisoner inside?

I can only forgive myself,
I cannot control what’s done,
All I can do is remember,
What was lost before I won.

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A dim spark lays dormant,
Awaiting nurturing to bloom,
Yet I remain complacently unaware,
Of the darkness starting to loom.

If only the signs were obvious,
Vivid colors looking pale,
Lively music sounding flat,
Delicious food tasting stale.

How does one become aware?
How does one find joy in life?
How does one motivate the self,
To still create in spite of strife?

Mirrors showing faces no longer known,
”Is this really me?” I inquire within,
Yet all that remains is silence,
As my echoing voice spreads thin.

I start listening to my body,
I pay attention to how I feel,
I fully embrace the darkness,
I now understand what is real.

After long rejuvenating rest,
The sleeping spark awakens too,
A soothing voice whispers gently,
”You are enough and have nothing to prove.”

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How difficult when reflecting,
On who I was before,
Struggling to build objective memories,
While keeping emotional score.

Was I always the good person,
I strive to be today,
Was I always a kind soul,
Masking to push others away,

I didn’t know how to release the hurt,
That I kept locked up inside,
Letting it out subconsciously,
Hurting those helping me be alive.

The silence grew louder,
Words became hard to find,
Feelings became theatrical,
A performance rerunning in my mind.

But words, when put to paper,
Allowed feelings to be felt,
Suddenly a warmth consumed me,
The ice in my heart began to melt.

All I needed was to embrace,
The suffering I held inside,
Transforming it into love,
Helping the pain of others subside.

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Morning sun signals another miracle,
For I am alive yet again,
The light shines upon this paradise,
The warmth which lets life begin.

Suddenly the dark rectangle beckons,
Artificial light comes to being,
Dominating innocent attention,
Obscuring all that is freeing,

Time bending portal of interconnection,
More souls than were ever meant to bear,
Some with words of faith and hope,
Many with messages of doom and despair,

Were it just human interaction,
On a lot we might agree,
Operating on kindness and love,
Allowing ourselves to simply be,

There are those that would tell you,
These sacrifices are required,
In order to line their own pockets,
To keep everyone else uninspired,

Remember this if you can,
Your existence is yours to own,
Even if you sometimes forget,
Lean on others that feel like home.

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Quiet stillness sets in,
The darkness of the night,
The feelings once abandoned,
Coming forward to find the light.

From the deepest depths,
The answers clearly rise,
Truth that can no longer be ignored,
In order to let instilled fears subside.

I am no longer the timid child,
A voice of innocence erased,
I shall speak, I shall exist,
Feeling pride in taking up space.

Some days will feel more lonely than others,
But so long as I stay bright,
I will never succumb to the void,
Luminosity shall guide my sight.

For now I am starting to hear my soul,
Stumbling forward with good intentions,
Learning from mistakes made in my journey,
In order to find my true redemption.

One day I will arrive where I’m meant to be,
As long as I keep inner faith,
My past wrote a story for me I now reject,
My future will eventually show my place.

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How to choose what to be done,
On my last day to observe the earth,
Before what shall be my untimely end,
I must measure what that time is worth.

Friends and family could gather near,
I could tell them the tragic tale,
But I would rather they remember me,
As someone who never appeared frail.

“Let’s have a celebration of life,”
”Dinner and drinks on me!”
At my favorite French restaurant we sit,
Sharing stories over wine and brie.

Quelle chance! A string trio emerges,
Playing songs of lands far away,
A woman starts singing in her native tongue,
Lovebirds in chairs start to sway.

We leave satiated and content,
Night sky with full moon emerges,
It dawns on me in my final hours,
This has been life’s true purpose.

I shall miss the ones I hold dear,
But I know that once I depart,
I shall not just be present in memory,
I shall also be present in their hearts.

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I saw a glimpse, a glimmer,
Of a place I thought long lost,
Existing only in my memory,
Or so I had once thought.

Sun descending on the horizon,
Clouds parting way to dusk sky,
Colored crescendo consuming all above,
Even the darkness hidden deep inside.

Cool breeze parts hair gently,
As if a reminder of its grace,
How could I have forgotten,
The paradise that is this place.

Treading lightly upon soft grass and earth,
I lay my tired body down to rest,
With closed eyes and an open heart,
Dropping thoughts to focus on breath.

”This is the place I’ve been looking for,”
”I cannot believe it has been found,”
”I cannot believe the colors,”
”I cannot believe the sounds.”

Pulsing water from the babbling creek,
Reminds me that life exists still,
I know I can revisit anytime,
For now I possess the will.

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I cannot picture what you look like,
I cannot envision how you sound,
All I know is I will fall for you,
The moment you are found.

Sitting quietly at a cafe,
Reading words that shall disappear,
As soon as you and I lock eyes,
Your story now the one I want to hear.

We speak with strange familiarity,
As if we’ve always been here before,
Until the world pulls you away,
And I’m already longing for more.

”Before you leave, I’d simply say…”
”I’d hate to know I let you go,”
”Could I keep in touch with you?”
”I’m down to take things slow.”

You smile as you text me,
Tomorrow I know what I’ll say,
”Let’s go out to dinner this weekend,”
”I enjoyed meeting you yesterday.”

We go to a place you’ve never tried,
But secretly it’s new to me too,
The night transforms like magic,
Fantasy slowly becoming truth.

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